I’ve lived with a pain that no one will ever fill, there’s just so much my heart yearns for yet no human being can ever measure up to. This has been a choice!!!
Having had such a history has helped me look at the situations I went through as a choice in regards to how I do life. I’ve heard my friends share stories about their relationships with their fathers and I’m left wondering . Sometimes I’d think to myself whether they are true or some sort of fairytale from a scripted Hollywood Director yet it’s reality.
But heyyy! Today I ain’t revisiting that past, my heart is whole and fresh, my dreams are valid.
The pain made me a better person. I’m not here to be your motivational speaker and twist what fate had in it’s hands.
Without ridiculing the amazing parents who are doing their part in raising their children well, I’ll say the absence of my father made me!
When it got to my senses that I’ll never get another dad, I put my head up high, I was stronger for me knowing that I’ve no one to call “Daddy,” the arms to run to, and also no one spanked me for doing certain things apart from my Uncle who did it once in a blue moon.
I’ve had my boyfriend tell me “I am not saying whatever you went through was deserving, I’m just glad it made you. Who you are now. I sometimes envy you because I had all the privileges you lacked.” These words have made me feel stronger than never.
My little pride wouldn’t let me sink in there but these words got me.
Basically I had no male figure in my life, yes my Uncle was there but only for tuition purposes and someone I’d present at school during “Parent’s Days.”
I’ve had to set my goals straight. I’ve had to stand by my choices . My mother is not a learned woman so she had nothing to do with my ambitions and dreams in my life. Just like any parent will do; providing and protecting me. I’ve heard her pray over me in the late nights, I’ve heard her pray for my future husband, for my family and my dreams to come through.
I’ve told my mother all my dreams. My education. My marriage. My being and my future. All she says is I trust you, I want you to prosper and be happy in life.
All that I have achieved, all the mistakes, all the lessons, all the decisions . It is “ME”. I have stood by all the paths I choose on my own. I started working at 16years till todate. I still hustle and find my way out because I had no one doing all that for me. Not my father.
Yes I attended the good schools (In a boarding section). But I had to work hard for my packing/shopping list every term. I’d help out at one of my Uncle’s shops and get to sign for 1000/= at the end of the day. In that way I’d get to save for when the next term opens and keep some pocket money.
My grandmother would ask us to wash her clothes so she’d get to give you some money.
All this, I was learning to work for whatever I want. The more chores you’d get to do, the more money you’d get to save up. I was learning patience, having to collect 200/= till it’d get to amount to buy you a nice skirt. I was learning to be patient with every situation in life.
Unless I was on a drip, I’d never get to back home . So basically headache, stomache, fever were not sickness for me. I rarely showed up at the school clinic for any medication unless they were my Asthma attacks which happened occasionally. I was learning how to fight on, today when I say I’m sick everyone will know because it’ll have to be hard for me to say that “I’m sick.”
I had to choose what combination to do because my learned dad wasn’t there to guide me. I choose the course I wanted to do because I was used to making choices for myself. I was learning how to make “Me” face the consequences of my actions alone and that’s how I live today.
Throughout my life as a journey, I’ve had my mother give a hand and pray over me.
I’ve made my decisions and I’m happy about them. My education, my ambitions, my relationships But mostly my CHOICES.
What am saying is, we all have things that didn’t work out, un ending battles that we somehow can’t do the magic of changing their course but we have the power of “CHOICES” in us . We can all choose to see the negative as positive. We have the choice to look at the ” lacking” as a encouragement to work hard. We can choose to see the loss as a motivation to do more and move .
There’s nothing as powerful as choosing how you look at the situation and moments you’re in.
For this September, let’s focus on our choices. How we want to look at every situation.